Communicating with each other seems simple, yet we don’t always seem to understand each other. Or do we end up concluding that we are talking past each other? Why is that?
We look at the world through our own personal lens. That lens is different for everyone. The insight “We don’t see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.” makes it clear why we sometimes look at the same thing and yet see it differently.
Before we know it, we are trying to convince the other person of our own rightness, seeing our way of looking at the world as the only correct one. Result: we no longer truly listen to each other and talk past one another. Outcome: tension, discussion, annoyance, frustration, despair, helplessness, …
We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.
1. Everything starts with listening
It sounds like a cliché: good communication starts with listening. And yet, this is the essential beginning if you want a constructive, enriching conversation.
Truly listening: just as difficult as good communication. How often do we keep typing on our computer or phone while someone is talking to us? How often are we busy thinking about the answer we want to give instead of first giving full attention to what the other person is saying?
Truly listening may seem to take a lot of time, but in the end, it actually saves you time because it reduces the chance of miscommunication.
You can truly listen by:
- Making time
- Making eye contact
- Putting away all distractions (such as phone, computer, etc.)
- Keeping your own opinions and experiences to yourself until you are asked about them
2. Summarize what you have heard
By repeating in your own words what you heard the other person say, you check for yourself and for the other whether you understood it correctly as the other truly meant it.
We sometimes assume that we have understood everything correctly, only to find out that the other person meant it differently. That communication misunderstanding can easily be avoided by simply rephrasing what you heard. It can be useful to start your sentence with: “Do I hear you saying that …?” or “I hear you saying that… Is that correct?”
Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most love is lost.
3. Always keep your LSD at hand
Good communication starts with LISTENING. SUMMARIZING or rephrasing can help check if you understood the message correctly. And if it’s not entirely clear, don’t hesitate to DO ASK FURTHER. This brings you to LSD: listen, summarize, ask further.
For various reasons, we don’t ask further when the message isn’t entirely clear: because we don’t want to be seen as difficult, stupid, or pushy, because we don’t have the time, or because we think we already know what the other means. This increases the chance that we will talk past each other. By “asking further” you show involvement and avoid misunderstandings.
Asking further means asking about expectations, asking for clarity, asking for repetition, … “What exactly do you mean when you say that? I don’t fully get it.” “What do you expect from me? That’s not entirely clear to me.” “Can you explain once more exactly how it works and what the next steps are?”
Inspired by this article?
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